First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage…right? Who else remembers this song? lol It easily set me up for this false preconceived notion that not long after marrying my soulmate, I would be able to simply have a baby. I wanted to, we wanted to, it was our dream, but little did we know, this dream would take way longer to achieve.
Getting married, being in a healthy relationship that was blessed by the Lord in the Cathedral of our favorite place ever, our second home of Puerto Rico. All that meant nothing when it came to expanding our family. The build up was high, but the let down was hard. 😔 What did I do wrong? The answer is…absolutely nothing.
The Beginning: August 2019
After 2 years of officially working on expanding our family, it was now time to get some answers. I took the prenatals, I was sure to be calm, relax, do yoga, eat well, and reduce stress as much as possible…still nothing. After years of negative pregnancy tests, my OB decided to send me to see a specialist. I was now officially a fertility patient.
Step 1: HSG Test. If you’ve had one, you know they’re not pleasant and a real B if I might say. I was so nervous for this test as I was going to an unfamiliar office to have it done and was overall expecting the worse outcome. In short, the test was uncomfortable…I remember praying that it would just end. The good part is, when it ends, the pain is done instantly. The other great part about my test is that immediately the doctor said “everything is clear, you have no blockages, you’re good to go!” Whew! What a relief. To read more about the HSG test, click HERE.
Step 2: Fertility Consultation. I never in a million years thought I would be walking through the doors of a fertility clinic. I never thought I would be a patient here BUT I also was unaware of just how many women go through these same issues. The waiting rooms remained filled at all times, suddenly I realized I wasn’t alone. After our first time meeting with our AMAZING doctor, she gave us an unexplained infertility diagnosis aka we don’t know what’s wrong or why you’re not getting pregnant because you should be according to all of our testing so far. WELP. (Flashback: my husband was also tested thoroughly and he was given the all clear!)
Step 3: The Miscarriage. During my initial consultation they drew 12 vials of blood from both my husband and I. It was during this time, they decided to run a pregnancy test since I wasn’t sure of my last period during the questioning. (let’s face it, when you are so down and out about not becoming pregnant for so long, who cares about a stupid period…it was my enemy every month anyway) The next day I received a call that I was pregnant. 😳 How could this be? I was pregnant naturally, and didn’t know it. At that point I was a few weeks and was obviously over the moon. They immediately wanted me in for more bloodwork to make sure it was progressing. After my second test, my numbers were showing a decline...I was miscarrying.
We lost our sweet angel baby in August of 2019 and devastated is an understatement. My whole world collapsed. No one knew, I didn’t want anyone to know, I was embarrassed.
The Middle: IUI’s and IVF
Step 1: The IUI. Over the course of the next few month I would undergo 2 IUI’s (Intrauterine Insemination). I remember taking our trip to Bali with my trigger shot in a YETI cooler bottle across the whole world just to make sure I could trigger on time. I would also learn that neither of these were successful and once again face disappointment.When given the choice to do another IUI or jump straight into IVF (In vitro fertilization) I knew IVF was the right choice for us. To read more about the process of IUI at my clinic, click HERE.
Step 2: IVF Round 1. First up, the IVF class. Here you are taught everything about each shot, how to inject, side effects, etc. It was honestly all overwhelming, but for my husband I’m sure it was reassuring because he would end up giving me every single injection. I remember my first injection took me a whopping 23 minutes to actually complete…I was sweating, shaking, and so nervous 😩.
Choosing to do IVF would also mean I was going to be having my very first ever surgery for my egg retrieval. To read more about the process of IVF at my clinic, click HERE. My first round yielded 32 eggs! From these eggs, 18 were mature, then 8 reached blastocyst and from those 8, 2 were genetically normal. From 32 eggs down to 2, well that went south fast. I decided to transfer one of my embryos that ended up in a failed cycle 💔, yep, more heartbreak.
Here you see me above on retrieval day. The before and the after are quite different, I know 😩🤦🏽♀️.
With just one good embryo left, my doctor asked me if I wanted to transfer my last one or do another round. I felt in my heart it was best to go straight into another round of IVF to attempt to get more viable embryos. Round 2, here we come (with 1 little embryo still frozen waiting for us).
Step 3: IVF Round 2. Round 2 was so much different for me. Mentally I was more prepared, I felt so excited to even have the opportunity to do this again. This was in the middle of our nationwide pandemic so I knew I would be working from home which I figured would be less stressful and may be key in making it work this time. Inject, retrieve, transfer…all over again. This time, I got 22 eggs and at the end of another round of genetic testing, was blessed with another 3 healthy viable embryos ❄️ ❄️ ❄️ + the original ❄️.
(I have no photos of my second round of IVF because during the pandemic, spouses aren’t allowed in to any of the appointments. My anxiety would definitely not let me be setting up selfies soooo I have some shots of video that I will post over on Instagram but that’s about it.)
The Now: Pregnant with our Miracle Baby 🌈
Step 1: Transfer Day. We decided to transfer my original little embryo from the first round. It was graded wonderfully and I felt like this baby was waiting so patiently for us to gather their potential siblings but now it was their time to shine ☺️. I knew the chance for another failed transfer was very possible. That being said, my mind was at peace with whatever the outcome was. Maybe it was the fact that I knew I had other embryos waiting for me, or maybe it was the fact that I had truly put all my faith in the forefront this cycle.
Step 2: DON’T TEST EARLY! That’s what they tell you, right? Of course I wouldn’t test early….who are we kidding, the day before my BETA (the first blood test that shows if you’re pregnant), I took that pregnancy test. I honestly didn’t feel pregnant but I had this crazy dream about being pregnant the night before so I was like ok, why not? I didn’t even wake my husband thinking there was no reason to…until there was! I HAD A FAINT BLUE LINE and A LINE IS A LINE! I began crying immediately after the shock wore off. It almost felt like I couldn’t believe that my body wasn’t failing me, for once. 🥺
Step 3: Beta Checks. Beta day 1 (1 of two blood draws to test for viable pregnancy), I was so scared to get that call but it was a great call after all, I was pregnant! Now the stress kicked in, how can I stay pregnant? Beta day 2, I got another call, I was still pregnant after my second blood test and my numbers were progressing as they should for a healthy pregnancy! It became official, It worked.
Truthfully as I sit here writing this at 21 weeks pregnant, I am still in awe. After 3 years of beating myself up emotionally over something that I had no control over, I am finally in such a different mindset. I still struggle daily with pregnancy anxiety. My body failed me for as long as I can remember so why would it work now? This thought haunts me every day and it takes a lot to not let it get the best of me sometimes.
I am so thankful to have been given this blessing but my heart still aches for those who still sit in the waiting room of that fertility clinic waiting for their miracle baby. I pray it’s their turn soon, I pray they get the family they always dreamed of and I pray that they see themselves as their loved ones see them: amazing, even on their hardest days. Going through infertility and finally getting pregnant does not erase your anxiousness, your self-doubt, your fears, or your dark days. In fact, it brings on a whole new set of fears, something that I didn’t expect.
If you read this far, THANK YOU! This was my condensed version…sheesh! lol I will be sharing a whole lot more of the nitty gritty over on my Instagram so feel free to join me over there if you have any questions 😊
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